Do you react or choose to respond?
Do you react or choose to respond?
Continuing to go through my notes I came across this title – that I had written down in bold and surrounded with *** (wasn’t sure on how to spell those things!). It was a passing comment at the very start of our second get together – the tutor, a man who definitely does the latter, asked the group, “do you react, or do you choose to respond?” I wrote it down immediately, but it wasn’t until later on that I started to really understand what it meant to me – and that the answer for the most part would be “I react!”
A reaction it is an outburst, mixed with emotion. It is an immediate response to a trigger, it could be positive, it could be negative – but either way it probably isn’t considered. I think about how often I do this – whether it is response to what someone has said, a decision by an official, a performance from a team as we walk in at half-time….the list goes on. This reaction is all about me. I am not thinking about the players when I react – I am fulfilling my needs to vent frustration or share in success. If it is about me, then I haven’t considered what I am saying (or doing….body language is equally as powerful) and how I am saying it – it is already out for all to take in through their own lens, before I can even process it myself. Sometimes it might work out, but sometimes isn’t good enough.
‘Choosing to respond’ – even the words sound calmer and more considered. The tutor talked about an imaginary pause button, a button you can press to disengage from the situation, depersonalise it and look at it objectively. This time allows your emotions to fizz out; the red haze or temporary euphoria to lift, and the consciousness can take the reins again. It is here, you can make your best, informed decision. What has actually happened, rather than what have I perceived to have happen? What do the players need and how can I best deliver that support? These questions provoke thought – this thought provokes positive action.
Make your decision and deliver your considered message. Consider the language you are going to use – what are the implications of the words you use? Is it a question? – if so, is it an open question? (The irony of that question is not lost!) The impacts of the words we use go beyond what we see in the reactions of others, it plants seed – choose them carefully.
It might be that you still decide, an ‘outburst’ is required – but at least this is a measured act, with thought behind what it is you are saying, how you say it and who is saying it. It is no longer an emotive reaction.
How can we help the players?
Use the Pause Button – remove yourself (metaphorically) from the situation and look at it objectively.
Consider what the players need from you right now. It might be nothing at all, it might be nothing yet but they will require something later, it might be that they need help now. Whatever it is, it is what they need that is important – not what you need.
Consider the language that you use – is it positive, is it in reference to something that they can control, and will it help them?